I only have three resolutions for 2016:
- I will live with integrity.
- I will become a professional author and coloring book artist.
- If I fail #2, I may kill myself.
Pretty typical list, I suppose.
The quote above is something I posted on Facebook for all my friends and family to see. It’s the first time most of them have heard me talk about my desire to become an author or an artist. It’s probably the first time they’ve heard me talk about suicide as well.
I think on some level I knew the apparent absurdity of the post would cause most people to interpret it as attempted humor/sarcasm. So in a way, I let my fears of intimacy and vulnerability dictate an expression of my heart’s true desires–which, ironically, violates my first resolution–but on the other hand, my primary goal was to just post something. Something tangible. Something I couldn’t undo. Something that officially marked the first step toward those goals. A baby step.
You see, I have this terrible habit of overthinking things and striving for perfection to such a ridiculous degree that I never actually act. It effectively paralyzes me.
I can literally spend an entire day writing a single email. I’ll write a sentence, read it several times, delete it, write the same sentence in a slightly different way, read it several times, delete it, rewrite the original sentence…
Unfortunately, this hasn’t produced positive results in my life that justify the time expense. As of yet, I’ve received zero Pulitzer Prizes for my emails. Therefore, it seems reasonable to conclude that I need to work on that. I need to practice doing things good enough when perfect won’t make a significant difference.
The secondary goal of my Facebook post was to inform everyone I know that I’m going through some changes. Big changes. Life-altering changes. In other words, it’s a subtle way of saying “Don’t assume you know me.” That’s important to me because one of my subconscious programs compells me to conform to others’ expectations. Conformity doesn’t fit well into my definition of “living with integrity.”
Obviously my FB post didn’t perfectly convey the seriousness of my intentions, nor did it shatter everyone’s preconceptions about me. And certainly this post isn’t the perfect message to start my new blog. But you know what? I can sleep soundly tonight knowing I took a step toward my goal. I took action. And for now, that’s good enough.
publish first blog post